Choices

There have been a lot of changes in the last few months and as usual life moves much faster that I could ever imagine. My son and his girlfriend of 7 years gave birth to their first child, a much anticipated baby girl, in October. I didn’t really think I could love any one human more than I love my son, but Eliza stole my heart and I can’t believe how much I love that little human. Gabe and Jennifer also got engaged and will be married in February. I’m so beyond happy for them and can’t wait to go and be a part of the next step of their journey. But with the birth of Eliza and their engagement comes the realization that their are parts of my past that I will have to deal with again. Gabe’s father and I are not on the best of terms and his stepmother and I are not on terms at all, but because I love my son, his soon to be wife and their baby I will be on my best behavior and do nothing to hurt 3 of the most important people in my life. I will be an adult, I will be polite and kind. I will pull my big girl panties up and do what is right. I would never do anything to hurt their little family because I love them and their happiness is so much more important than anything that has happened in the past. In saying that it doesn’t surprise me that one member of my son’s family won’t be attending this very happy day, my Mother. She and Gabe are rebuilding a tentative relationship because of the sweet and loving nature of his partner Jennifer. I will freely admit that she is better person than I am. She is willing to look past previous hurts and continually reach out to Lyn even after Lyn told Gabe she didn’t want to have him in her life anymore. And Jen brings Gabe along with her. I am proud of her and proud of him for letting go of the things that Lyn has said and done to him. I’m not that good of a person but for their wedding I would be. I would be an adult and be polite to my mother if she chose to come to their wedding. I told Gabe and Jen that I have no problem with her being there and if Gabe wanted me to I would reach out to her to try to make some sort of amends so that she would feel comfortable enough to come to their wedding, after all she is his grandmother and he loves her. But Lyn has decided that she would rather not come to the wedding of her only grandchild so that things aren’t awkward. Read between the lines and you’ll see it is because his father and I will be there. I feel like she put that on my shoulders when it is her choice to not come to the wedding. It is her choice to come the weekend before. Whose problem is it that there are people there she doesn’t like? Not mine, nope it’s hers. There are going to be people at the wedding that I don’t like and that don’t like me but it isn’t going to stop me from being there. It won’t stop me from showing Jennifer and Gabe how much I love them and how much I support them. None of my family but my mother was at my wedding and it’s still a small bruised place in my heart. I invited both of my brothers, but neither came and my dad and sister were not a part of my life at that time so they weren’t there either, which was wholly my choice but something that will always be with me. The fact that the people that are a part of me didn’t see me on one of my happiest days, weren’t there to support the next chapter in my life is a small hurt that never really goes away.  I did have family that I wanted there and they weren’t but I got over it and have a loving relationship with my family now.  I know both of them want her there and if I could I would make it happen I would, but I can’t. I just wonder who is being the adult here? Me for going to the wedding of my son and facing people I know that don’t like me and dealing with it because I want to be there or her for blaming her absence on the fact that I will be there?

A few days ago I received an email reminder that my mother’s birthday was coming up and did I want to send her a card? I thought about it for a long time, I even started to write one telling her that I didn’t want to be the cause of her not coming to the wedding. I was ready to once again bend and reach out but I stopped myself. Why did I stop myself and let her birthday pass by? Because it was the right thing to do. It’s the right thing to keep her out of my life. I can’t dictate to my son who is in his life and honestly I would never want to, I never want him to feel the pain of having a severed parental relationship. As much as it would have been something I would have dreaded because of how it would have mentally affected me, I would have begged Lyn to come if my son had asked me. He didn’t and the time has passed. I rarely think about that relationship anymore, except for of course holiday’s, birthdays and other special days. With the holidays having just passed I quietly wished her happiness and peace but that was it.  I didn’t reach out and neither did she. I thought about her on her birthday on Monday and gently reminded the kids about it, but I didn’t reach out. I don’t believe there will ever be forgiveness or amends to the dissolution of our relationship, mostly because I don’t want to let the pain back in. I have learned things about her and the lengths she can go to to destroy a person.  It shouldn’t surprise me, I’ve seen her do it to other people, I just never thought she could do that to a part of herself. She claims I’m a monster yet I could never set out to destroy my own flesh. I believe that is the telltale difference in our souls. That relationship is toxic and I’m so much healthier mentally now.

Choices by definition can mean and stand for many things. As a noun it can mean: an act or instance of choosing; selection or the right, power, or opportunity to choose; option. As an adjective it stands for this: worthy of being chosen; excellent; superior: carefully selected. I am taking my right and choosing to not contact her and I’m choosing myself and using it as an adjective by saying I’m worthy of being chosen to be a part of my child’s life. 

I’m not going to even pretend that any of that makes any sense to anyone who hasn’t been a part of my history with Lyn. I know it doesn’t make sense to me at times and I’ve lived it. I’m happy with my choice. I don’t intentionally set out to cause pain I’m just protecting myself. I’m sorry for whatever hurt she feels and I admit I thought about her on her birthday that passed a few days ago, but I’m also happy she isn’t a part of my life. I hope she has people who love her but I also know it isn’t the same as having a part of who you are, what you created, love you. I hope she is happy but I also know it isn’t my concern or my problem if she isn’t. I wish her well but I will freely admit I don’t care if she isn’t. I’m not a monster, I just know that if she isn’t well there isn’t anything I can do about it. She has to make that happen on her own. I will make the choice to celebrate my child’s new chapter and be so thankful every day that no matter what is said between Gabe and I, he knows I love him. He knows he is my life, my best decision and that I chose to have him, and he knows there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for his happiness. My choice? To celebrate love; his, Jennifer’s and every single person that will be at their wedding.  My choice is to let things go, they don’t really matter in the end anyway.♥