What you miss and what you don’t…

There are always things from my past that I miss, the flip side of the coin is the things I don’t miss.

Things I miss:

• I miss my grandparents…I miss waking up in the morning and being surrounded by complete unconditional love.
• I miss the big family gatherings I took for granted as a kid. Spending time with my loud family.
• I miss my Mom. I miss being able to talk to her sometimes, compare notes on Eliza and laugh and marvel at the fact my son is a Dad.
• I miss carefree summer fun as a kid and summer break.
• I miss pets that have passed on.
• I miss when my son was little, seeing all the stages my granddaughter is going through, I wish I could go back to when my son was that small and take more pictures, write more little things about his days, just be a better mom.

Things I don’t miss:

• Listening to fights between parents.
• I don’t miss being a single parent.
• I don’t miss my Mom. I don’t miss the way she made me feel.
• I don’t miss being told I wasn’t enough.

I know everyone reminiscences as they get older, I turned 46 this year so maybe it’s that or maybe it’s this whole pandemic. Maybe it was Gabe’s marriage, Mother’s Day or Eliza’s 1st birthday coming up fast. Maybe it’s watching my son be a father. Whatever it is something has been bringing back so many thoughts and memories of being a Mom, which in turn takes me back to how terribly wrong my relationship with my own mother has gone.

Gabe and I fight and disagree, but I think when you have raised another human who is very much like you that is bound to happen, but we make up and we love each other. On the other hand, my Mother and I were terrible to each other. Verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. Since a child doesn’t grow up knowing how to do that, I learned from her how to be that way and for a long time it was a way for her to control me until I had someone come into my life and show me that there is a better way to show love, give love and be loved. After I met that person the issues with my Mother increased in number and the mental/emotional abuse escalated to the point of not speaking to each other for months at a time until I always caved and went back to get her forgiveness. Until the last time, I didn’t cave. She has tried all kinds of emotional trickery, played it off as she was the abused one, played the angry one. Made up lies, contacted friends and family to make horrible accusations. When that didn’t bring me back, she tried publicly shaming me on social media and blogs. I was recently sent a link to a blog that she has been commenting on, one where she attacked some poor woman because she thought it was me. This is from 2 or 3 years ago and she still goes back to make comments. I had to stop reading it because it does nothing but hurt, but before I stopped myself from reading anymore I saw that she made a comment that she wished she had never had my brother and me. I didn’t think as a Mother that was possible. I’ve written other posts about my struggle of being a single Mom at 23 and how I wasn’t sure I could keep my son, but never for one moment after I decided to keep him did I ever wish I hadn’t had him and I’ve been through tough things with Gabe. Really tough things. BUT he has always been my greatest accomplishment and gift. In that moment when I read her very public comment, I realized the post and comment wasn’t about me. It was really a reflection of her own inner demons. She hates herself so much that she in turn hates the parts of her she created because we were spotlights into her true self and saw her at a level no one else has. She doesn’t hate my brother and I; she hates herself. After that epiphany I was able to let go the hurt, the anger, and the sadness, because trust me there is still so much sadness. It wasn’t me. She didn’t hate me, she hated herself. It’s probably why she has been married so many times. How do you wholly love someone when you don’t love yourself after all?

I get it. I feel sad for her. I miss her and yet I don’t miss her. It really is all about what you miss and what you don’t miss. ♥