4 am…

I’m not one to talk much on the phone, never have been. I do like to video chat with my son and his girlfriend and that was one of the main reasons we bought them a Portal and we got one too. I love being able to just click on their names and see their faces pop up and chat with them, it’s almost like being in the room with them. That said, my Dad called me on Wednesday night last week. It was out of the blue and I have to say I was a little worried that something was wrong, he is two hours ahead of me and he recently had a bit of a health scare so I was a little worried when I answered. But I shouldn’t have been, all was fine, he was just calling to check in. It was a wonderful chat and it made me realize that I really need to do it more often, just pick up the phone and call those closest to me. After I finished chatting with him and we had hung up my husband asked if I was okay to which I had replied that I was fine and wondered why he had asked me that. He went on to tell me that when I answered my Dad’s call I sounded upset or some emotion equivalent to that. I told him that I was fine and then I thought about how I answered the call. Maybe I did sound weird. Maybe I sounded guilty because I hadn’t called to check on him. Maybe I was worried I was going to hear bad news. I turned back to my husband and told him what I was thinking and he agreed that I had sounded nervous/guilty. I’ve been thinking about that the last few days and pondering on why I might have felt guilty? Was it because I know better? I know I should call my siblings and my Dad more often? Or was it because I’m so far away and it’s easier to not think about what might be going on in their lives and just be concerned about my own? I can’t say that I have any answers but I think it’s been on my mind so much that I haven’t slept well the last few days. I think there is something percolating deep in my brain. Maybe it’s time to start asking some hard questions of myself. Not sure what it is all leading too but I figure once my subconscious is done messing around with whatever is going on it will clue me in. Funny how it all started with a phone call.

Not sleeping is sometimes one of those signs for me that something is going on deep beneath the surface. I tend to be one of two ways with my life: I’m either an open book and will tell you anything, everything and probably things you don’t want to know about me or the other way is to bury what is bothering me so deep that it can take months or years for it to make its way to the surface and mess with my life. I’m sure I know that what ever is keeping me up is one of those deep down things and its trying to work its way out and is probably something I most likely don’t want to deal with. I mean I know I don’t want to deal with it. I can keep repeating that sentiment over and over but sometimes I can’t control it. I thought having this blog would be a  way for me to deal with some of the stuff deep down but that is only if I can write about it. Funny how that works right? I’m assuming it can be one of only 3 issues. The big three that I tend ignore, bury and then plant things on top of. Number one is something I’m sure most mother’s feel at some point and that is guilt. Guilt that I didn’t do everything in my power to be a good mom. Guilt that I did wrong by my son somehow. Gabe and I have an amazing relationship but things weren’t always easy and still after all these years I’m troubled by some of my decisions. Number two is probably tied into issue number three and that would be my weight and my relationship/issues with my mother. Those two are so tied up in each other that I’m not sure that any amount of therapy would ever untie them. I think there used to be another one but a lot of it is based on family relationships and I have been working on those a lot the last 5 years. I’m in no way perfect, as evidenced by the beginning of this blog but I have a relationship of some sort with both my brothers, my sister and my Dad. The only person I don’t speak to and have cut completely out of my life is my mother and I don’t believe that will ever be mended. I guess talking about all of this makes me feel a little better but only time and whether I can sleep will tell♥