Why write?

A friend asked me the other day why I had a blog. Why did I write something and then put it out in public? I thought a minute or two before I answered him and when I finally answered it was two short replies, one simple and one sassy. The simple answer was why not write? The sassy part of my answer was because I want to 🙂 I’ve always written in one form or another, sometimes it was journals and other times poetry. I loved the creative writing classes I took in junior-high, high-school and college. I don’t write to gain anything or convince anyone to buy a product I’m trying to sell. I write for myself, for many reasons and sometimes because I want to or even because I hate talking on the phone. I write sometimes because it’s easier for me to put my thoughts down without anyone or anything but my own brain interrupting me. I don’t like to fight and I’m not a huge fan of confrontation so writing for me is a way to get what I’m feeling out and push it away from me. An example of things I have written down and then put away are memories of the end of my parent’s marriage. I mean I have some great memories of my early childhood, you know the age between 3 and 6, the time period you really start remembering things. But I also have memories of my Mom and Dad fighting a lot. Their marriage was coming apart about that time. I remember lots of family gatherings but I also remember fights. I used to cringe when I would hear them fight, even after they divorced. I use to hear fights between my Mom and her siblings and between her and her parents and sometimes between her and whoever she was seeing at the time. I was never very good at getting what I wanted to say out when I was growing up. Ask my family and they would say I never shut up, but that was about things that were silly or unimportant. I didn’t know how to make myself be heard when there was something upsetting, emotional or uncomfortable happening. I’m a sensitive person and feel things deeply. I can cry at the drop of hat and sometimes for the silliest reasons (like a Hallmark Card commercial) and when I was growing up and was fighting with anyone other then my siblings I would have a hard time getting what I wanted to say out with out crying and it used to infuriate my Mother. She was always louder and more forceful, whereas I would have a hard time getting anything out and inevitably would start crying mostly from the frustration of not being heard and because I always felt like a disappointment to her. Instead of arguing with her I would just shut down and when she was done yelling at me for whatever I had screwed up, I would go write about it. As I got older I started to turn to writing for happy things too and I have always done it in one form or another since then. I’d love to be a writer but I can’t put a story together to save my life, I ramble when writing just like when I speak.  When I was 30 my boyfriend, who is now my husband, gave me a pair of earrings that I still wear every single day and a story he had written just for me. Denny writes beautifully and creatively and is an amazing gift giver but the story he wrote just for me is still one of the most meaningful birthday presents I’ve ever been given.

I feel like writing is a way to sometimes put memories down before they are forgotten and as well as a way to deal with my emotions. I’m an extremely extroverted person. I like to laugh and talk with people, be loud and be at the center of things. But on the other hand, I really like to be alone and be at home. It’s my comfort center. I love the thought of going to parties or out to dinner with friends. But when it actually comes time to do it, I don’t want to leave my nest. Writing helps me deal with some of the emotions and feelings that would otherwise overwhelm me.  My husband once told me he’s glad I don’t work from home because he’s pretty sure I would never leave the house and he’s probably right. I also feel like writing helps me organize my thoughts. My brain sometimes goes faster than my mouth and I can lose the words I want to explain things. If I write it down I can go back and look at it, correct my rambling and organize my thoughts better. I still go off impulsively sometimes and probably always will but as I’ve gotten older I try to not go off half cocked and try to think about what I’m going to say, especially in a highly charged emotional situation. I think that is what has allowed me to mend my relationship with my Dad and my siblings but that impulsive part of me still gets me into trouble, evidenced most recently by the not healed relationship with Lyn, my mother. I find if I don’t write things that are bothering me down they just sit in my brain and I go over them again and again before I blow up and when I get that far gone I can’t put the thoughts that made sense in my head come out of my mouth correctly. It’s why I don’t do confrontation. Writing my feelings down instead of telling someone about them may seem cowardly but it allows me to make sure I’m not going to just spout off in anger or in nonsense. That’s what this blog does for me. I have a bunch of half written, saved posts. Things I’ve wanted to get off my chest that I may never but publish but the option is there if I want to. Long explanation for a simple question maybe but I write because it works for me. I don’t care if anyone reads it. I like to have a place where I can go back and read back through my thoughts and see if I still feel that way. It’s a comfort to me. So that’s why I write and that’s why I have my blog.♥